by Sherry Lowry
You’ve often heard we teach much of what we are ready to learn. This article on listening partially serves that purpose for me. In the process, I hope it drops in a new piece for you that is life-shifting. My whole life people have voluntarily and profusely talked with me. I thought that as a teacher/educator at various levels, as a sports coach, a business entrepreneur, a family therapist, a wife, a mother, a friend that I knew something about listening. What I continuously learn is I’m forever learning about this art.
I actually have better listeners in my life as clients, colleagues, friends and even a son who are wonderful listeners. So, I’ve undertaken to notice what it is they hear I miss, and how it is they listen.
You know when you are in the presence of a naturally gifted listener. They have some unique characteristics:
1. They are very present - to you. It may even be you have a sense only you exist when you are with them.
2. They are not distracted by externals, but are focused and attentive.
3. They eliminate whatever ‘noises’ are in their head, like opinions/judgments, impressions.
5. Frequently, they reflect back to you in some way part of the significance of your ideas or what you are conveying. (This is quite different than simply reflecting back your words - which can also drive you to distraction if your ‘listeners’ have this well-intentioned but overused habit.)
6. They look right at you physically - directly, or if on the phone, you simply know they are fully attentive and doing nothing else during your time together.
7. They ask relevant questions - one at a time, and do NOT pre-answer them before you can.
8. They hear a) more than you say and often anticipate what you may say next; b) what you don’t say, c) what you really meant.
9. YET - they do NOT interrupt.
10. They let you complete your thought - both aloud and in silence.
11. Silence . . . hmmm . . . Oh, yes, they are comfortable with silence . . . and it’s a positive part of the space they share with you.
12. They verify your interest before they give you unrequested information.
13. They ask you if you want ‘more or less’ and/or how to best proceed in your exchange.
14. They listen with the intent of understanding more than to be understood.
15. They listen to the way you want to be heard.
16. They show interest or concern. Frequently they do this with sounds vs. words.
17. They get clarity before they give opinions or advice . . . and sometimes permission, too.
This may sound very familiar, but the odds are we don’t really spend that much time with truly great listeners. Possibly, that’s because we have absolutely NO training in the art of listening. While we are taught to read, write, count, walk, and sometimes even run, were you ever given any actually education in listening? The first I recall was in graduate school in training as a family therapist - and I was well into my 30’s by then. It was quite a shock to realize I’d missed the boat listening much of my life.
Statistically, it’s reported that although we listen on the average of 45% of the time, only about 25% of people actually ‘get’ or really hear what’s said. The rest hear mostly what they are listening FOR, not what is actually spoken.
Listening is a skill set and a whole array of competencies and new habits to acquire. The good news is the first and most important step in becoming a great listener is "Intention". Almost every single person who intends to succeed - to really do this well (barring physical disability) -succeeds. The truth is: while few of us are hearing handicapped - most of us are ‘listening impaired.’ We have somehow learned in reverse how to NOT listen effectively. We are probably an anomaly in nature in this regard - have you ever seen an animal in a natural environment NOT listen to the nature cues and sounds that abound? Since we come in with amazing hearing apparatus, it is fair to assume we are designed to also use it.
Great listeners are very much like big, clean mirrors. They give us back what we want most - an accurate and clear sense of Self. They don’t put their spin or influence on it when at their best. They’ll add this when we ask for it - and we should ask people wise enough to wait for this request. This gift isn’t age-relevant. It can come in very young packages - even in childhood.
One of the challenges and opportunities I’d like to leave with you is a request to notice the children and adults in your life you cherish most - and see if some of them are gifted and talented natural or ‘trained’ listeners. Overtly appreciate them - let them know it - and help them to realize and cherish their skills in this and more fully discover and benefit from them, as you already do.
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